You know, I always seemed to be independent, in the view easy to read shade of pride and sadness, was visible in the actions of the confidence and courage.I was like do not need anyone.I was myself and together we will do an excellent job.In my childhood was pretty clever child and already knew what I wanted.Because pretty soon I decided on the profession and went to the goal of long-honed plan.Not surprisingly, all of my mother's attempts to use his numerous contacts and attach your favorite daughter in a cushy job in advance were doomed to failure.
was August.Below morning and my mother with a new offer of my employment.But this time, for some reason I agreed.Already distraught mother in anticipation of my next "no" like growl out something under his breath and walk away when she heard the long-awaited "I agree."Before I wonder to myself how in the hands was the desired phone number.- "You are waiting.Only one phone call, "- said my mother, magically mesmerizing me with his cheerful look."One Call
Many years later I realized that the phone number, only seven digits, changed my life: when I was waiting for work, a strange city, and ... it.
His name was Alexander.He was about 24 years old - the age when the guy is already ashamed of being unemployed, and the man is too early to be married.Outwardly, he gave the impression of a very contradictory.Maturity and experience of discerning men bordered boyish naive and utopian ideas of the child.Easy unshaven mixed with scruffy style "alternativschika" perfectly with his confident gait, which was his "to-face."It was part of his image very accurately render its essence - a distinctive, impermanent.To me he seemed urbanistically romantic - tunnels in the ears, poppin desire to fill a tattoo and yell at Cobain guitar songs - all this attracted me informality.Friends told that Sasha and I simply could not meet.We were like two puzzle missing, which a long time ago it was time to incorporate into a single picture.Frankly, we really looked harmoniously with each other.In Sasha was something that did not allow me to forget it all the time that we have not seen since our last meeting.To me it was what he wanted to see again.
We met at work.I - newly formed trainee.He - an experienced staff member.Day and night, we talked about the injustice of the world and dullness of the masses, drinking wine on the weekends in the quiet courtyards as carefree teenagers enjoyed the city at night, sitting on the grass and dreaming to go to St. Petersburg.We chatted about everything, each in its own way.Flogged some vulgar jokes unfunny diluted irony, and caught myself thinking that like each other.But neither I nor Sasha did not want to admit it, hiding their budding feelings behind the masks of mutual indifference and coldness.At least, so it seemed to me.Why am I hiding their care to Sasha pigeonholed?- Probably out of fear to spoil communication couple-three heart phrases.And he - because it was never sure of his feelings of reciprocity to me.So after a few months.My internship came to an end.But we continued to call up and appointments in quiet cafes.But at some point, Sasha just disappeared, without explanation, leaving me alone with my thoughts ... and loneliness.
But as time went on.I've managed to get a matriculation, enter one of the most prestigious universities in the country and go to live in the capital.From time to time I get some crazy boys are telling me about love, but for me all this was somehow trivial.I still remember him leaving his heart vacant place ...
So two years passed.Two years in total obscurity and torturing him.The friends I was looking for comfort and support, but it soon ceased to bring me peace.Of course, I knew that Sasha I never did not bind except banal dialogue, but forget it, I could not!His image is too deeply ingrained in the memory.I did not know where he is, how he is and how to find it.And one day my troubles are over.After two long years, he found me himself.
It was the day when I stopped to think about it, when vowed never vymolvlyu his name and did not recollect the outline of his face.But when the phone out of the machine notes were heard familiar voices, minds changed me.So in my life Sasha reappeared, the man I've been waiting for two years, and maybe for life ... But then I realized that once again I have to lose it, and can let go of?
- «Yes, you are not friends, you love him, why do not you admit it?" - Repeated all who were aware of the details of our relationship.Honestly, in my heart I knew that I need only Sasha what hell out of me to pull it, but I ignored all the feelings, afraid to admit to herself, and even more afraid to admit it.Then he disappears again!I waited for him for too long, that's so stupid to lose.
Six months of daily communication, meetings became less frequent, Sasha lost more often.He was vulnerable to distraction, he could take offense at any little thing and simply do not get in touch for weeks.Sometimes I even had to call to find out whether it is in order.When Sasha was not there, I tormented myself thinking how to get contact with Sasha, though, and did not feel any guilt.- "But it's better to be happy than proud" - I repeated every time felt that I was losing its former independent H. In those moments when we were together, Sasha never deprive my attention - courting, compliments and unambiguous hints.He gave me some hope, as I mention it is not indifferent and expensive.Always asked about my health, I was interested in how I was doing and tried to become a part of the solution to my problems.But always cold silent while I murmured against the whole world, telling my boss a tyrant and how incompetent half-brother, who two years ago was addicted to alcohol and did not want to tie this torturing his drunken antics whole family.I cried, and listened to Sasha always said the same thing: "Do not Noah."These words are discouraged, they pull the rug from under their feet every time, but I knew he did not have to heal my wounds, so I was grateful at least for the fact that he was able to silently listen to me.When it came to Sasha's problems, he demanded to his maximum attention and complicity in his "mountain."At these moments, an adult and serious Sasha seemed so helpless that I could not deprive it of its care and warmth.Then we found a quiet courtyard and "heal" the restless soul of each other drops of good wine.
But ... after a "not Noah," I wondered, "What connects me with Sasha all these years?We saw each other almost every day, spent with each other countless times, but in all that time I never felt truly happy with Sasha.It seemed that I was not like he needed neither man nor as a companion or as a girl.After a hard day's work, he offered to take a stroll through the streets of the city at night.This proposal, I waited all day long, as the silly love schoolgirl!As a faithful wife, was waiting for Sasha from work, waiting to see him again, this independent, indifferent to the bustle of the city.He always came to me for a relaxed meeting prance that everything seemed to disappear.He suppressed them with his views, its tranquility.We quickly decided where to go, choosing cafes, parks.He complained of imperfection, injustice, and I tried to cheer him by telling about the next antics of his brother, unfortunate.And Sasha was just walking and listened in silence.Silence!It is unbearable silence, she told me how fed up!It seemed that he was completely indifferent to what he, where is he, where is heard the voice.At these moments, it was not interested in anything.Under my stories he seemed distracted by their own problems.He forgets.Only with me he could forget. "
But then I was happy every time his face slipped first smile, except that I came home each time exhausted, exhaustion some unbearable sadness.And the name of this sadness was Sasha.Again, he could not understand me, I could not feel it.I wanted some kind of family warmth, intimacy shower, understanding of a man who was dearer to me than anything in the world.And who would not want that?I suffered because of the man who did not care what was going on in my soul.And then I began to realize that the whole Sasha's interest in my problems was false, manipulative.When I fought two men: one clearly understood that all this was a cheap interest no more than use, the game in the hands of a skilled puppeteer who every time I pulled the strings, and he just enjoyed my humility and dependence in it.The second "I" do not want to lose someone who was so sweet heart.And every time I hoped that one day Sasha understand me.Strange sounds, but this is what I wanted.Just sit, stand, walk (cares) and just feel that I realized that he feels the same internal cold and such a strong need in someone's warmth and support, which is about to come to me in silence, embrace krepko-firmly and say "the sun, do not be sad, I'm with you, you know."One phrase, and "whining" I would not have ever wanted.In a moment of wild despair, I would have basked this rare memory, because that's when Sasha was able to understand my innermost desire.But Sasha it was not necessary, their own problems interested him much more.
At some point, everything collapsed.Something snapped inside, it has a crack and creak shattered.Sasha has ceased to be the center of my universe.I just got tired of waiting, and when he will make out in me vulnerable man, who also need support and even a piece of love, even unreal, but love!It became dangerous for me.The pain of grief that I felt every time you meet him, there was no place in my heart.Now, I took only one thought: "How to forget, erase it from your life?" And once he gave Alexander an excuse to finish the story.One evening, we agreed to hold together, Sasha suddenly spoke to us on the forbidden subject.He spoke about the relationship, except that the object of his torment and dreams was not me.- "You know, because I'm more than two years, neither of whom can not think, except about her.She knows that I can not live without it, but the force pushes me.I love her, but she could never love me.But I wanted to propose to her ... "It was worse than" not Noah. "All these years, Sasha was in love with a girl that I did not even know.And how could I know?Sasha rarely poured out soul, and if that happened, then to the end has never been clear what exactly his worries.He managed to simply express too difficult, and the complex prefers not to talk at all.All this second Sasha's life just did not fit in my head.More precisely the first life of Sasha.Second, as it turned out, all this time I was.And it was not the main thing.It was terrible that throughout the year everyday communication Sasha hides all that worried about his soul and heart.And I shared with him the most secret, denouncing the imperfections of his family and considering Sasha someone very close.
been many years ... and I still can not find words to describe the then our relationship.We never did not promise to each other.We are bound by idle chatter and flirtation, we're just in some moments were close to each other geographically, but as it turned out, not mentally.So what connects me with Sasha all these years?- It turns out, nothing ...
Now, when the time is already set our priorities, I no longer am torn to Sasha.It took me a year to that sick love, not even love, but rather a desperate need for a man, burned down, leaving the ashes of memories, experiences, and some sad smile.Perhaps in every life there is such a person, there is a great love of the sick, of which we want to scream and compose poems.About which we remember when we are sad.We will always remember these people, in spite of everything and in spite of everything, and love them, we will painfully long.That evening I saw Sasha was the last time.I remember a long time I stood in silence and stared at the outline of his face, he wrinkles his nose, when he smiles, how clumsily and shyly covers her mouth teeth during smile, silly considering that with them that something is wrong.I memorize it, to leave and never return to the quiet courtyard, where we once drank our first bottle of wine.Frankly, I never liked this cheap swill French, never expecting him to confess and courtship.I have always understood the impossibility of relationship with him.I just wanted to be "close", and next to Sasha.And more like that he could understand me.
Especially for LadySpecial- Maria Glazkov